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| It is amazing how long it has been since I wrote anything...
I think I am going to start writing again. I need an outlet for the weird things that are happening in my life.
Hmmm where to start?
Well, I am a 4th year now, I would call myself a senior but I will not be graduating this year  but its cool, I have made my peace with this decision. I am now an RA for the freshman engineering dorm and wow, what an experience that has been. I have made two new wonderful friends named Abi and Avery. Abi is the only one on the floor who can consistenly bring me back to reality, its like she tells me what I would say to myself if I was her. It is great having her around. And Avery? I don't even know where to begin on this one. He is a mess and then some. He is completely in love with me, as Whitney would put it. She is probably right, but I feel bad...cuz its jus not like that. He is a freshman first of all...and I never saw myself as one of those females who dates younger guys and I don't like his mom and I love hanging out wit him most of the time....but I dont love him like dat. But thas a whole other entry....
I was looking back on all the old entries and I see was in a painful place the last couple of yrs. There isn't as much pain there anymore. I have made my peace with the Matt situation, atleast in terms of the whole "crush" thing. The friendship part is still kinda crappy but I beginning to believe thats how he wants it to be, which is fine, i suppose. Jasmine is back, and I am glad to see her cuz despite all the bullshit, that is my gurl. Its kinda different now though, her having a son and the whole year she wasn't here. At first, I was slightly mad because her being here reminded me of the whole issue I had (have) with Matt and her. The issue is basically how I was discarded and replaced by her and him in both of their lives. It is how I feel and I don't apologize for it. But everyone is in your life for a season or a lifetime if your lucky, and in that time period, people's roles change. Best friends become just friends again, and friends become just classmates again. What can you do?
I just had the greatest spring break trip to the Bahamas...and I met this guy....lol. He is very cool but he lives there so...the distance things is jus not working out...but I would like to remain friends, its just that he wants me to have his kids...and I really can't do that...
Well anyway, I am beginning to enjoy life...this is almost strange... it is amazing what God can bring you thru... | | |
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Your dating personality profile:
Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you.
Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about his appearance.
Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life. |
Your date match profile:
Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things.
Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind.
Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life. |
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Your Top Ten Traits
1. Religious
2. Stylish
3. Adventurous
4. Liberal
5. Wealthy/Ambitious
6. Funny
7. Intellectual
8. Practical
9. Outgoing
10. Sensual
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Your Top Ten Match Traits
1. Adventurous
2. Intellectual
3. Religious
4. Stylish
5. Shy
6. Practical
7. Conservative
8. Wealthy/Ambitious
9. Funny
10. Athletic
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Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions | | |
| Ahh who knew Sex and the City was such a good show...
I miss my friends so much. But its only in those idle moments. Or when somethin big happens and I have no one to call. I kind of feel like everyone is moving on without me. And sure they are all "supposed" to come back. But I cannot fight the sinking feeling that it will never be the same. I am grateful for the new people I have met like Mir. I heart my "therapist". I guess as I get older, all I long for is stability. I want there to be something constant that I can count on. And yes, a voice deep in my soul says that "I am here. I am all you need." And I do, I do believe Jesus is the only one who could have possibly gotten me through the lowest moments of my life. But when you need that friend to laugh with you because you want to make fun of the "mistakes" you have made, or when you long for the guy who really understands you...soemtimes I feel like I am not strong enough to rely on just me or better yet just God. Or maybe I am just tired of having to be the strong one. The one to sit and watch people live the lives I have prayed for.
I cut someone out of my life for the meantime a couple of days ago... and I felt good about it. It wasnt so much that the person was horrible or even that annoying to me. I just felt like for once, I needed to close a door. I cannot take back past relationships and the past is where I have resolved to leave them. I do not believe that you can be friends with your "ex". But I do want someone to tell me what to do when you were never really with the person to break-up in the first place....yet the moment he works his way back into your mind, you discover he has never really left your heart? What does it take to get rid of him! I wish I knew. And everytime he ignores me, or doesnt return a call, or I see him with another girl I convince myself that its NEVER going to happen again and I believe it.For that day, week, month and even summer...I am good. Sometimes I am great. But then he comes right back just when I thought I learned to let go.
I know what it feels like when you hope that interaction means a chance. I know how hurtful that can be. But I also read the book "He's Just Not that into You". And please believe me, I know for a fact that its true. I have seen how I guy acts when he is into you, i.e. my ex. It was cool. But I just wasnt ready, and he just wasnt quite right for me. But my brother says its all learning experiences so I dont feel bad for it ending. I am all out of emotion anyway. Mr. " I am not over my pyscho crush" definitely took all the emotion I had sophmore year. And since he wont go away, and I cant seem to escape, I have a feeling that I wont be feeling anything real for a guy for a long time. Not because I want the old guy, (people only get one chance to break my heart), but because I dont believe...
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| Wow so I was reading the entry below this one and it is amazing how 2 months can change your outlook on life. I am now single and loving it. I do not regret my 10-week relationship which taught me that things built on a weak foundation are sure to fall apart. I could not answer the oh so important question: why am I with him. What does he do for me? I still dont know. He actually broke up with me b/c "i am to busy and he never gets to see me". Mmm, true statement I suppose. But the School of Engineering seems to own me most of the time, and no one would ever see me if they didnt live on my campus. Yea the relationship ended like it began, him making some decision and me being too lazy or too apathetic to fight it, and essentially answering "o ok". Funny thing is I think thas was a temporary break-up in his eyes, but not in mine. Oops. Once again we seem to be on different pages. I pray that I did not hurt him, and that if I did, that the Lord heal his heart cuz that was never my intention. The whole time I was doing wat was best for him and not me. Then when I saw that self-neglect was not the way, I asked for some space to get myself together. And this request was seen as me not trying to be with him anymore. And at first it wasnt even like that, but he never really understood and eventually got mad and broke up wit me. Oh well, in the words of T.D. Jakes...
"When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2006 !!! "
until i write again, be blessed
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| Yea so its been awhile. I will try to post more regular but then again I am the person who forgets to eat food.
So I am twenty years old finally. No longer a teenager. My birthday (which was yesterday for those who did not know) was pretty cool. I got a lot of birthday wishes so it was cool. I got a lot of cards, some money from my grandparents and two gift cards. Oh and I got 2 dvds from Whitney. Due to my extremely busy life I have yet to see my boyfriend since about a week ago. Yea its kinda a sad thing but I talk to him like everyday. He lives all of 15 min away by car, if that much even, but hey what can I do if I am holding down 2 jobs and trying to be a successful engineer. So I do not know what his gift is. My brother and sister (aka my cousin) asked about him and what he gave me...lol. Its funny to listen to them ask me these kind of questions, its so obvious they are not used to this at all. Not even more used to it then I am, which has to be some kind of record or something. As I was talking to my cousin yesterday, trying to explain why I am emotionally scarred, she started to feel really bad for me. And as I was talking I started to feel bad for myself. Its kinda sad when your own mom didnt really show you the affection you needed as a child and you grew up learning to live without it. This is why I am terrible at receiving affection, compliments, etc. I am good at giving them when motivated but motivation is rare unless someone is sad or something. Ok so they say admittance is the first step....
I am not letting it get me down though. I have too much to be happy about. I have wonderful friends, co-workers and residents. And I have a wonderful boyfriend whose mere existence makes me smile  , which must be a good thing b/c anyone who knows me, knows I do not smile on the regular unless I am laughing at someone. I have gotten rid of some people in my life and some people have taken on smaller roles. That also makes me happy. It feels so nice to cut back on the bullshit and drama. So when I finally get my relationship with God to where I want it to be, I will really happy.
OK so thats enough of that. On to what I did(will do) today. I took my Intro to Linear Algebra exam today. Hopefully I did ok. I do not know we shall see. I have work at 2. I have class at 12 but I am not going. I have better things to do. Its not like I pay attention anyway. Plus my legs ache something terrible. I have work at 2 until 5. Then I have another class at 6.40. I am not sure if I am showing up to that one either. Depends on how I feel. Then I have a meeting from 8-9.30. I have to pick up some pizza at 9.45 for a study cafe at 10 that I am hosting. I have no idea why I am so busy! But such is life so let me stop wasting valuable study time...
Until the next time I remember I have one of these things.... | | |
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